Panic on the streets of Leeds...

Panic on the streets of Leeds...

Exit sign at Alicante Airport, Spain

I suffer from Agoraphobia. It’s far from as simple as most explanations would have it. Agoraphobia can be summed up by a surfeit of synonyms of the word ‘terror’. Personally, I find agoraphobia utterly impossible to explain to non-sufferers, but I will endeavour to attempt it.

A recent trip to Leeds, where my wife once lived and studied, became the catalyst for this article. My debilitating agoraphobic “episodes” seemed to be pronounced almost immediately on arrival in the city centre. It was a city I was completely unfamiliar with, (even that fact can increase an anxious response), it felt disorientating and lacked discernible landmarks. My hand was guided with confidence by my wife, while I was dealing with an unholy cacophony of disquieting thoughts. Despite my trepidation we continued to our hotel. Even the relative safety of the hotel couldn’t dispel an enormous feeling of dread.

After a brief respite my wife was keen to show me the university where she studied with the promise of seeing the Brutalist Roger Stevens building designed in 1970 by Chamberlin, Powell and Bon (renowned for their design of the Barbican in London). Despite my architectural interest we only managed to reach Leeds Art Gallery, where my panic became overwhelming. I tried desperately to explain my sudden fear motivated by the open spaces that surrounded me embodying the very definition of agoraphobia

- Agoraphobia involves fearing and avoiding places or situations that might cause panic and feelings of being trapped, helpless or embarrassed.

But, as with all sufferers of agoraphobia, it was practically impossible to ascertain what exactly was creating this intolerable fear, and indeed what the fear pertained to. My wife kept reassuring me that I was safe.

Being “safe” cannot be imagined when experiencing this traumatic ordeal, and without wishing to appear overly dramatic, it is an ordeal. In a 1997 article in Psychosomatic Medicine the authors relate experiences of sufferers as having altered visual perception [https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/9178344]. It was noticeable when attempting to traverse the broad open streets of this city, I felt unsteady, probably appearing drunk to passers-by and unable to discern obvious visual cues. Every building or street seemed to have an oblique perspective, causing my tentative gait to become even more noticeable, until, finally, utter panic descended, and my speech became indecipherable, reduced to mere sounds that completely alarmed my wife. I seldom suffer outright panic attacks, but on this occasion something in my brain switched. 

Despite my wife assuring me that the hotel was a mere five minutes’ walk away I could no longer tolerate my helplessness, no reassurance or physical support could persuade me, I needed to find a taxi. I was embarrassed and felt a combination of other emotions, from utter guilt, shame and a deep sense of sadness to overwhelming frustration. My wife was perplexed.

Returning ashamedly to the relative “safety” of the hotel my wife was quizzical, perturbed and utterly confused by the behaviour I had exhibited. My attempts to explain seemed like an alien concept. Why? What happened? she implored. My humiliation was palpable, as was my inability to meticulously explain the occurrence. I had no intention to appear condescending, or to doubt my wife’s innate emotional intelligence, but nothing I said made sense of it. A sudden wave of loneliness descended, misunderstood, I wanted to vanish, or at the very least find a way home.

I was vulnerable and feared rejection. After all, my fears were abnormal, illogical and ultimately incomprehensible. To adequately understand my own fight-or-flight responses was practically impossible. What was I scared of? Some sufferers fear that they may be dying due to the physiological effects, such as - palpitations, sweating, rapid and shallow breathing, and chest tightness, which resemble many of the symptoms of an impending heart attack. Then there are the psychological effects: experiencing a panic attack in public and the possible humiliation that could follow, an inability to escape the situation and a sense of general dread.

Agoraphobia is an incredibly insidious form of anxiety, often emerging from childhood trauma, environmental causes or, simply inherited. However, a differential diagnosis is common, including separation anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, and major depressive disorder. Agoraphobia can make people housebound for months or even years, enlisting the help of family, friends and neighbours to run errands that the sufferer would find unbearable, and can also create a reliance on a partner to chaperone them if indeed leaving the house is possible. Approximately 1.9% of the population suffer from it, the majority of which are women.

I concluded that I needed to challenge the fear with a pig-headed determination. Thus, I returned home and searched for CBT therapists in my locality, ensuring that they had specific understanding of my condition. It will be an uphill struggle, but I have survived adversity before, I need for once to believe in myself, to have the will and desire to overcome it, and to finally enjoy a renewed sense of freedom.

Calm on the streets of…